As I Was

Wow, my last blog was a little too personal, I was thinking about removing it but nobody knows my true identity...wait hmm no, no nobody, which is great since I don’t plan on telling anyone about this log. Well I have been bumming it for the past four days since being back home from my parents house. It's been great, I actually been getting a lot more sleep, but I do need to get back into to grove of things. I have a paper to write for a scholarship that I want to get so I can get free tutoring for the LSAT, I know every little help counts so I’m going to have to do it within the next couple of days, it shouldn’t be too hard. Anyhow I have lots to do before school starts on Tuesday so I've made a list, Let’s see:

1) Do all the dishes

2) Do laundry

3) Vacuum the place (so the roommates can be happy when they come back)

4) Pay rent

5) Pay phone bill

6) Submit my December hours for pay check (which isn’t much)

7) Prepare my resume (shouldn’t take long since it is almost up to date)

8) Cut my hair (I’ve been leting it grow to see what it would look like so I haven't decided on it )

9) Send in my new availability for the up coming quarter for one of my jobs

10) Stop playing this damn computer game which has affected the length of this list

so that’s It if all that gets done I should be ok. Well the up coming quarter is at its brink and I am going to be busy, I'm taking about 20 units, 4 of those units are from a class that I’ve taken before which I didn’t do as good as I should have, 4 other ones are from a class that I was recommended by my pre-law adviser, the course is Jurisprudence, this course should motivate me more to pursue Law which I am hoping it does. One more senior project class and an upper level senior class that I’m sure it isn’t going to be as hard. After that I will be one class away from getting my engineering degree, wow that sounds great, finishing with my B.S. then getting ready for Law school. I have been considering not walking for my graduation since this will not be my last graduation. I still have to graduate from Law school, I have been contemplating it for a long time and I don’t know what I am going to do once the time comes.

Anyhow time to start on those dishes, I’ve done all the silverware already but still have to do the plates and pots, one thing about dishes I like doing plates and silverware but I hate doing pots, so that is usually what I do last. Maybe we should hire a maid, we can pay her with rice and bean like back in the days, wait I think they used to pay people with chickens and cows back in the days. Well dishes time.

My Torment

Even though hesitant at first my impulses take over I finally get the courage, I gently caress her kiss her, the mood is set. I begin to get comfortable, and then slowly move down her neck and shoulder, I slowly run my fingers into the back of her hair then kiss her. I close my eyes I kiss her gently along the curvature of her body, it is soft and gentle just like I remembered for a split second I am in haven it feels good it feels just right. I’ve missed you, where have you been, where have you gone. This is the happiest I have ever been in a long time it is great. Everything is in the past, it doesn’t matter to me anymore you are here. I slowly turn my head up to look at your eyes, they're not the same, they aren’t like I remember them, wait a minute it isn’t you. I look back down close my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. I stop, she says why did you stop, I don’t have the courage to say, I say not a word. Deep inside I know the answer but I don’t dare say it, I don’t dare admit to it but I can’t deny it.

Christmas, Ahh not Too Shabby

Well looks like I underestimated the spirit of Christmas, I actually spent it at my sister's house. Which wasn’t bad if I exclude sleeping on my niece’s bed with her many stuffed animals. Lets see she had a about 5 dogs, 6 tigers and about 15 other miscellanies stuffed animals including dolls. I probably got about 3 hours of sleep, which was fine since I had my niece and nephew around to entertain me.

I was happy to be woken up from my Amazon slumber by my nephew’s tumbling towards the Christmas tree, I am a light sleeper so going back to sleep was out of the question. Soon as I got up he asked me to build his Bionicle, which Santa Claus had brought to him on the previous night, for those of you who do not know what a Bionicle is, it’s a mastermind creation from Lego. They are robots that are build from many different smaller pieces. Now my nephew is 7 years old he isn’t good at building these creations so of course I jumped into the opportunity to help. Now keep in mind that on Christmas eve I build three of these Bionicles for him. I sat there for about an hour, I was going as fast as I could so I can have it done before church, which I may add my niece was participating as an altar girl, apparently this Bionicle was bigger then the previous ones, this one was massive, it was a dinosaur type. I finished the torso both legs and one arm before I had to run in the bathroom to shave and freshen up so I can catch up to my fleeing family. They left me so I jumped in my car and made it to church just in time.

I had forgotten how I liked going to church on Christmas day, since it consisted of singing the many Christmas song that I grew to like when I used to go to church more often. Well it was great, I found it more entertaining watching my niece fidget behind the priest during the entire mass.

After church I raced back to my sister’s house to tackle my newly acquired task brought by old Santa Claus. I finished that project an hour after arriving, soon after that task was done my sister informed me that she had given my nephew Transformers for Christmas, and that she was having trouble transforming these robots in disguise. I said to myself I’ve build 5 Bionicles already, how hard can these Transformers be. It seems that these Transformers were not like they used to be. These transformers had a skill level, their skill level was the highest of their class. My nephew wasn’t anywhere near this skill level. I once again took on this task and made it a personal issue, to be honest it wasn’t as easy as I thought. I actually needed to look at the pictures to accomplish this task. They got done and my nephew was happy. He played and smiled, that’s what every kid should do on Christmas day.

To recap on this whole Christmas thing, it was great I liked it. I spent the entire day fixing, building, eating and watching kid’s movies, watching three Bionicle movies that my nephew suggested so I can be more familiar with Bionicle. This brings me right to my Christmas wish, on the previous wishes, I asked for things that I didn’t really need, or things that I thought would make me happy. Well this wish is different, I can’t really confess this wish since that would disrupt the probability of my wish becoming a reality, which I don’t dare to. Just to say, it took a long time to figure it out and today’s occurrences had a lot to do with my decision. Well it is 11:40 right now and Christmas will be done with in about 20 minutes. Now I’m debating whether to dive back home tonight or not, hmmm Well I would get my goodnight sleep. Well I think I might, I think it is time to head back, I been away from my castle for quite enough time now.

Well Merry Christmas everyone, I hope your's was as good as mine.

Christmas Eve Post

For some reasons I haven't been able to get a full night sleep here at my parents house. I think its because I miss my bed at home, anyhow well here at my parents house it doesn't feel like Christmas. The tree hasn't been put up along with any other decorations, I should have taken the initiative and done so myself but I did not, to make thing worst my brother and my sister work their blue collar jobs today. I don’t think people should work Christmas eve, they should all be with their family and friends. In Spain people get mandatory leave at this time a year, people there know what’s important. I’ve read somewhere that the average family in Spain lives within a five mile radius within each other. So to all you workaholics pushing 50 hours/billable hours a day at the office/firm you better stop and think what is really important.
At my old job that I use to work, which I quit and I don’t regret doing so, I met these two gentlemen. These gentlemen were probably in their late sixties, I asked them, what’s life like right now. They told me with a most honest face that it sucks and that they wish they were dead already. That encounter made me feel worst because now I don’t look forward to getting old , but then they told me that one of their best accomplishments was their family. They have kids and grandkids, and they are doing great. From this encounter I concluded that the whole purpose of life is to procreate and to expand the bloodline. Which makes sense since nothing is going to matter once I’m dead.
Well back to Christmas, I haven’t made my Christmas wish yet but I will do so before today ends, as always I like to leave everything to the end and as always these are my finest moments. Well back to my computer game, this has been my pastime here, and I’ve found it to be the best weapon to fight boredom.

My Executioner that’s Who Put It There

I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep at nights here at my parents house, I get tempted to getting up and logging it but I having been able to because that would wake up my parents so I don’t dare to. I know the source of this, it is the thorn in my heart that has been left there, it has been lodged there for about 7 months. As I get closer to the holydays it is more evident since I can’t remember the last time I had an awesome Christmas. I don’t know the feeling of getting stab in the heart but I think I can imagine it. I can imagine a dagger or something of that sort penetrating my chest cavity and in an instant as the dagger penetrates my vital organ I get an immediate pain that takes my breath away. As if my heart is beating at its normal rate and in an instant it begins to beat at an accelerated rate. It beats so hard and fast that I can feel the pounding on my chest’s inner wall. This change happens in about a quarter of a second. I hate to get into the details of the cause since it is morning and the moment has passed, I’m sure one can imagine. I wish I was able to do it last night but waking up my parents isn’t a good idea.

I know I have depression I haven’t been diagnosed with it but I’ve researched the symptoms and they all seem to follow the same pattern. I hate hospitals, the temperature of them and their smell, I don’t dare to step into them for any reason whatsoever. I haven’t had a need to go since my health has been at its peak for a long time. Perhaps I should make an acceptation with the school nurse once the quarter begins but I am still debating it.

Every Christmas I make an unconditional wish, this wish I make has come true in some way or another in the up coming year, believe me it has. I don’t know my wish yet but I will know by the end of this year and I will make it a good one. Maybe I should use this wish to help my spirit get back to its’ normal state 7 months ago. This will be wasting my wish since I think I can overcome this disease on my own. I'll ponder this some more...

Nothing Like Quality Time...

Well I've been spending a lot more time with my bro since he is probably the only one in my family that I am the most closest to. Its great, I think he is following me on my foot steps. I don't say this to him because I don't want to embarrass him.

In a much different note I've been noticing behavioral patterns from my father. Well actually they always have been evident but since I’m home I am tempted to pursue my hypothesis. Ever since I can remember my father leaves the house on any given Saturday for the whole day, he doesn’t come back until midnight Sunday morning. In addition to this weird behavior there are always these weird phone call that he receives that I always try to over hear. I am scared to find out what is going on since I don’t know what I would do once I prove my theories to be correct. I am tempted to following him but I don’t know if that would be a good idea since I don’t think I have the right to get in to his private business… but then again I am his son. Perhaps I’m just assuming things and these assumptions are just coincidences. Well I hope

Parent's House...ok now what??

Well I 'm at my parents house bored at of my mind, it's 8:23pm and the most exciting thing going on for me right now is writing in this log. Damn I should have stayed home, but on a higher note, I've been talking to my brother and he seems to be going in a good path. That does please me since I wasn't sure. Looks like I wont be the only one going places in this family.

Here is the thing about coming to my parents house, most of my friends didn't even graduate from high school and if they did, they just work and have kids now. I don't think I have anything in common with them anymore. I can't think of anyone to call right now to get me out of this boredom... Anyhow, my brother just took business law and I'll skim through his book to get a better idea about business contracts, well that is my plan, I don't really think I can get motivated to go along with it. My mom is great, by great I mean she is still alive and well. I wish it could mean that she began talking in a more softer calmer tone of voice but not a chance. I gave her a ride to a seminar she was attending, talk about a bad case of back seat driver. I can’t stand it.

Another thing I don’t know if she is going deaf or what, I have been repeating myself about 3 or 4 times between sentences. However it upsets me, I know better to show them respect, so I don’t say anything. About my dad, I think I’ve spoken to him once ever since I been here, one sentence that is. He is sitting right behind me right now watching football, well I better go, I’m going to the book store or something to get out of this boredom.

Just Great

Looks like this cold has just caught up to me. When I went to the cabin on the weekend there wasn't central heating. We were all crammed around the fireplace, on the last night I decided to take one of the rooms...big mistake. I hate being sick it's the wrost, I think my roommate got me sick. Now I'm going to have to steal some of his nightquil...

Well, should I've lied??

Well I had a job interview today, the job was fairly simple. It is related to what I'm studying now, but it is the easy side of it. I have been to many job interviews and I have heard all the possible questions. I actually have a couple of answers to every single one of those questions. Well the question that shut me out of the deal was:

Alright Mr. MLS where do you see yourself in five years??

At this point I gather my thoughts in about half a second, I give my million dollar smile, I inhale and answered it the best possible way I can... So of course I said, I see myself being a lawyer and so on and so on, I told them my plans of working for a year then getting accepted to a law school, I was more elaborate then that… As soon as I finish answering the question I said to myself damn, what the hell did I just say... When going for a job interview, the employer is looking for commitment and I had just told him that I'm only good for a year. I should have just told them what I actually thought, I should have just said that this job is the most pathetic job I have ever interviewed for, why don’t you just cut the crap and give me the damn job already, or I could have just lied straight through my teeth but I know better then that… Well I'll see how everything goes, I mean I never know I could have just been so good that they overlooked at my answer.

Going back to Monday night though I was suppose to write this Monday night but I was a little faded to write on here so I wrote later: I haven't been out in a long time as a matter of fact I haven't even drank alcohol in a couple of months, well some of my college friends and I went to a restaurant at the town to catch up.
Well as usual I arrive fashionably late, find the table where all my friends are at, greet everyone there then go straight to the bar to order my usual Belvedere martini with three olives. As usual I scope out the scene for potential ladies that attract my eye. I saw two ladies sitting at the bar by themselves, to make it more obvious I try to order my drink right next to them so I can take a closer look. I sit there for about 3 minutes to make slight eye contact so they notice me. I look away soon after not to make it look like I planned it all, I sit there and I get inpatient because the bartender is nowhere to be seen. I go around and get a hold of him, I order my drink and go straight to my table. Little do those ladies know is that, I have just planted a seed, and I will build up on that. I go to the table and talk to my friends for a little while; as I’m talking to them I wait for my opportunity to go back to the bar to get to know the two lovely ladies. Soon after my opportunity arrives, one of them stands and I assume that she is going to the restroom. She leaves her lovely friend at the bar all by herself. I finish the rest of my martini and go back to that same spot that I had originally made eye contact. To my luck there is no bartender there so I sit patiently waiting to order my drink, so of course here is my chance, so I start to make little conversation I find out her name, where is she from and who is she. Well they are both sisters and have recently moved here from Tampa Florida so far so good, I order my drink and keep asking her questions… well her sister soon comes back and I get to know her also, well I was out of questions to ask them, I begin to get nervous, I wanted to ask them to join me at the table but my fellow engineers aren’t so charming with the ladies. I was stuck, so I did the next best thing, I bailed out. I said nice to meet you both and you ladies have a goodnight and went on about my business…at least I didn’t make a fool of myself. Pathetic, how pathetic was that, I could have done better then that. Well I was disappointed at myself. Looks like back my pathetic single life… well besides that, the night went well. I probably won’t get to see one of my good friends anymore and I’m going to miss him. I’m glad that I got to see him for at least one last time. He just got a job with a good company and he is moving out, I am sure he is going to be ok. Well I better get to bed; this is getting kind of long.

Auch Auch Auch

I've got this massive headache since coming back from my snowboarding trip today. It's probably because I didn't get much sleep at the cabin. For some reasons I can't sleep in a stranger’s bed or in any other bed that isn't my own. I probably got about 3 hours of sleep last night...but besides that the snowboarding was great, I actually didn't take any pictures because I was concentrating on just riding. I wanted to go back to the mountain earlier this morning for a couple of runs but nobody else wanted to go with me so I was practically on my own on that one.

I met an interesting character during in this trip. Well this gentleman and I began talking and he brought up law school and how competitive it is. Well that got me going since that is my interest, now this character explains to me that he graduated from Stanford University with an electrical engineering degree with a 3.5 gpa. He explains to me that he applied to a lot of law schools and none of them accepted him. He is now working on his PhD at Stanford. Well I took this very discouraging at first, soon after I asked him more questions and he told me that he had applied to a lot of the top first tier law school. I was baffled because I couldn’t figure out why an electrical engineering graduate from Stanford with a good GPA could not get accepted to a top law school…Well I still don’t have an answer to this but I’ll come up with one.

AC on AC off

I don't think my roommate knows how the air-conditioned works. When it’s cold outside the AC should be turned to the heating setting to make it a more comfortable inside. When its hot outside the AC should be turn on to reduce the temperature inside. Well it is 59 degrees outside, and I turned the heater on to a comfortable 75 degree as soon as I woke up. Well he (meaning my roommate) wakes up , and turns the AC on to 65 degrees...hmm ok. My roommate walks around the house without a shirt about 95% of the time, he has a cold, yesterday was the first time I saw him with more clothes on him then ever before, not only that he sleeps with the door open at night to let the cold air in. Maybe his cold has something to do with his living habits... I don't think he can convey the pattern.

Oh about not showing up to work today, I haven't had the courage to call out since I am hesitant about lying, not only that the type of work makes its hard not to show up. I actually like my job, but I like snowboarding too, damn what a dilemma. I need to make up my mind by 2 o’clock.

aahh At Last

This is one of our quotes for the week, since I live with engineers they like to receive inspiration from our board during finals week.
Finally I’m done, overall I think finals went ok this quarter, I think the quarter ended on a high note.
On another note, Sounds like I need to come up with an excuse not to show up to work tomorrow, my roommate informed me that the snowboarding trip is tomorrow and there is a spot that just opened up for me. I think I need this since I been working extra hard lately, I haven't even gone to the gym in like three weeks. I'll catch up with my physical activities starting with snowboarding this weekend. I'll have some pictures up, I'll write about how everything went...I think a good excuse will be that, one of my professors move the final to tomorrow because of personal reasons. Damn that sounds good, I wonder if not showing up to work at a Law Firm is this easy... not that I would skip work because I will love to work at a law firm, but if the opportunity presented itself, it would be nice to consider it.

Can't Wait

One more final to go and I am already thinking what I am going to do this winter break. Well first I'm going to finally finish reading the book that I've been reading for the past month, next I'll go to see the parents for a day or two. I'll probably steal some Christmas decoration while I'm there for my place here. I'll probably go snowboarding a couple of times...Hmm I guess I haven't really thought this through, I'm sure I'll think of something…Ok I need to stop staling and hit the books now, I’ll probably be up until 1 or 2. I think I’ll be ok though.

One More To Go

I have one more final on Thursday, and it won’t be as bad. I just have to read the material again, and again. I think I will be ok.

Well seems to me that I am on the verge of the end of another successful quarter. By successful I mean, I’ll pass all my classes, I wish it could mean that I got Bs or As. I do need Bs and As so I can actually get in to good law school. Well I'll see how everything goes.

As another quarter draws to a close, I look back and see that it has been like this for a very long time. It is pretty much routine for me, and it will not end for another four years. It is sad, but in another way it is great, I am that much closer to the end.

ZZZzzZZzzzZZ....

Well I was in bed for the past 30 minutes, and I can't sleep. As usually, I write in my personal journal that I been writing in for the past couple of years, but since I have an online log I figure I'll just write in here.

Well as usual I sit and think about my life and what has and will become. To tell you the truth I don't know where I am going and where I will be. I know were I would like to be, but I don't really know if I will ever get there. I achieved a lot so far, and to tell you the truth I want more. I know that I am hard on myself, I can't take failure, I have failed before. I always think what I could have done better or where did I go wrong and since I’m am natural thinker it will stay in my mind for quite some time and I sit and think about it and think about and fill my mind with different scenarios and outcomes, it gets to the point where I feel depressed and mad, I hate failing, the way I recover from it is I just keep going and going because at times it seems that I have no other choice. I keep going until I turned that failure into success. I figure if I fail at something, I can always try again and again until I get it right, I usually do after ones of twice. When I take it the hardest is when I failed and there aren’t anymore chances. I can think of many of these, and these are the ones that eat me inside the ones that I can’t change, the ones that bring tears to my eyes when I lay my head on my pillow, the ones that bring me loneliness and sorrow, those are the ones that I fear most.

I know my parents had something to do with the way I am. I don’t think my parents had anything to do with my hunger for success since I am the most educated person in my immediate family. I do have older siblings and younger ones, and none of them are closer to success then I am. My childhood wasn’t great at all, to tell you the truth I have anger towards my parents. I really can’t remember a lot about my childhood, which I am sure it is a good thing since I know that the brain suppresses bad memories. I can remember laying in bed, and the sound of my mom walking around and looking through the closet would wake me up. I wouldn’t get up since it meant that I had to hear her complain and yell, and as usually she would direct that anger towards me. I would lay in my bed quietly until I heard the door shut behind her, that was the happiest sound I can remember. There was another incident that I can remember. This one was about my father. My father and I aren’t really close, I don’t really talk to him as I should. I don’t feel comfortable telling him anything about me. My parents usually ask, “how is school going and when are you going to graduate.” As usual I tell them what they want to hear to avoid explaining anything to them. But I do know, why they ask me when am I going to graduate, I know they asking me because they know that I will make more money and that way I can help them. Little do they know that when I sit and listen to people, I don’t just listen to what they are telling me, I listen to what they aren’t telling me, and why they are telling me. I usually can convey a pattern, depending how often they ask me a certain question. But anyways going back to my father, well I remember him sitting me down on the table one time as if he was going to give me a lecture, I don’t remember the single incident when I lost my dad’s respect, maybe it was this one. Well he sat me down and told me straight up, he said, son I really don’t expect nothing from you, not in those exact words, he said that he didn’t see me making anything of my life. He was basically calling me a failure. I don’t know about this but that doesn’t sound what a parent should tell his high school teenager. I can’t recall what I really felt inside, but as usually I kept it inside, I didn’t break down. I remember me laughing at him and telling him we’ll see. I don’t want to even think that, that incident there gave me all of my motivation since that will give my dad a lot of the credit for my success.
This is probably why I am really not close with my parents to tell you the truth I think my mom thinks I am still a virgin. I remember she would ask me about my girlfriends, and I never mentioned them to them. I never said anything. I just lied and told them that I didn’t have one just to avoid the situation…I definitely feel better, I think now I can sleep. Well it’s about 3:40 I have a whole day of studying tomorrow. I better get to bed.

Calm Before The Storm

Well Friday just went by, and finals start next week. I should have studied today but I think it was better to take the day off from any studying since I was going to be hitting the books extra hard for the next six days. As you all know, I need to get good grades so I can even have chance to getting into a 1st tier law school, not just that I don’t want my admission decision to be riding on just my LSAT score.

Another thing, I'm kind of disappointed about my presentation on Thursday, well everything went great. The PowerPoint slides were great, the outline was perfect, but as soon as I went in front of the classes I got a little nervous. I went up there, introduce myself and my group, I started the intro but as it went on I started to say humm and aahm and ummm a so on. Like if I didn’t know what I was talking about, I did the research and I knew my stuff. It didn't turn out like I planned. What I'm more disappointed about is that I'm an inspiring lawyer, and this is unacceptable. Maybe If I would have just written it all down on my PDA and then just read it off or maybe if I would have just memorized it. I don't know. Well I know what I have to work on now, my public speaking skills...well I better hit the sack.

One of Our Creations

This is our famous dry erase board.

Damn I'm so good

Went to bed last night at around 2:30AM right after I finished my 2,000 word report, well actually my roommate’s snoring kept me up so I closed my eyes at around 3. I estimate that if I wake up at around 6:30AM I will just have enough time to do the outline and the powerpoint presentation. I wake up at around 6:40 after snoozing for about 10 minutes I jump in the shower, then I grabbed some cereal and then drew a picture of my roommate’s mom and dad on a dry erase board for keeping me awake last night. I got to the school’s library at about 7:50. Well it is 9:16AM and I am done. The presentation has about 14 slides, and the outline looks immaculate. I did all this with just enough time to write in my journal, Damn I'm good... Now I have to go tell some of my group members what to say for the presentation since some of them didn’t send me crap to write for the outline. It is now 9:26AM and heading to class to meet with my group, the presentation is at 10:00 I think we’ll be ok.