ZZZzzZZzzzZZ....
Well I was in bed for the past 30 minutes, and I can't sleep. As usually, I write in my personal journal that I been writing in for the past couple of years, but since I have an online log I figure I'll just write in here.
Well as usual I sit and think about my life and what has and will become. To tell you the truth I don't know where I am going and where I will be. I know were I would like to be, but I don't really know if I will ever get there. I achieved a lot so far, and to tell you the truth I want more. I know that I am hard on myself, I can't take failure, I have failed before. I always think what I could have done better or where did I go wrong and since I’m am natural thinker it will stay in my mind for quite some time and I sit and think about it and think about and fill my mind with different scenarios and outcomes, it gets to the point where I feel depressed and mad, I hate failing, the way I recover from it is I just keep going and going because at times it seems that I have no other choice. I keep going until I turned that failure into success. I figure if I fail at something, I can always try again and again until I get it right, I usually do after ones of twice. When I take it the hardest is when I failed and there aren’t anymore chances. I can think of many of these, and these are the ones that eat me inside the ones that I can’t change, the ones that bring tears to my eyes when I lay my head on my pillow, the ones that bring me loneliness and sorrow, those are the ones that I fear most.
I know my parents had something to do with the way I am. I don’t think my parents had anything to do with my hunger for success since I am the most educated person in my immediate family. I do have older siblings and younger ones, and none of them are closer to success then I am. My childhood wasn’t great at all, to tell you the truth I have anger towards my parents. I really can’t remember a lot about my childhood, which I am sure it is a good thing since I know that the brain suppresses bad memories. I can remember laying in bed, and the sound of my mom walking around and looking through the closet would wake me up. I wouldn’t get up since it meant that I had to hear her complain and yell, and as usually she would direct that anger towards me. I would lay in my bed quietly until I heard the door shut behind her, that was the happiest sound I can remember. There was another incident that I can remember. This one was about my father. My father and I aren’t really close, I don’t really talk to him as I should. I don’t feel comfortable telling him anything about me. My parents usually ask, “how is school going and when are you going to graduate.” As usual I tell them what they want to hear to avoid explaining anything to them. But I do know, why they ask me when am I going to graduate, I know they asking me because they know that I will make more money and that way I can help them. Little do they know that when I sit and listen to people, I don’t just listen to what they are telling me, I listen to what they aren’t telling me, and why they are telling me. I usually can convey a pattern, depending how often they ask me a certain question. But anyways going back to my father, well I remember him sitting me down on the table one time as if he was going to give me a lecture, I don’t remember the single incident when I lost my dad’s respect, maybe it was this one. Well he sat me down and told me straight up, he said, son I really don’t expect nothing from you, not in those exact words, he said that he didn’t see me making anything of my life. He was basically calling me a failure. I don’t know about this but that doesn’t sound what a parent should tell his high school teenager. I can’t recall what I really felt inside, but as usually I kept it inside, I didn’t break down. I remember me laughing at him and telling him we’ll see. I don’t want to even think that, that incident there gave me all of my motivation since that will give my dad a lot of the credit for my success.
This is probably why I am really not close with my parents to tell you the truth I think my mom thinks I am still a virgin. I remember she would ask me about my girlfriends, and I never mentioned them to them. I never said anything. I just lied and told them that I didn’t have one just to avoid the situation…I definitely feel better, I think now I can sleep. Well it’s about 3:40 I have a whole day of studying tomorrow. I better get to bed.
Well as usual I sit and think about my life and what has and will become. To tell you the truth I don't know where I am going and where I will be. I know were I would like to be, but I don't really know if I will ever get there. I achieved a lot so far, and to tell you the truth I want more. I know that I am hard on myself, I can't take failure, I have failed before. I always think what I could have done better or where did I go wrong and since I’m am natural thinker it will stay in my mind for quite some time and I sit and think about it and think about and fill my mind with different scenarios and outcomes, it gets to the point where I feel depressed and mad, I hate failing, the way I recover from it is I just keep going and going because at times it seems that I have no other choice. I keep going until I turned that failure into success. I figure if I fail at something, I can always try again and again until I get it right, I usually do after ones of twice. When I take it the hardest is when I failed and there aren’t anymore chances. I can think of many of these, and these are the ones that eat me inside the ones that I can’t change, the ones that bring tears to my eyes when I lay my head on my pillow, the ones that bring me loneliness and sorrow, those are the ones that I fear most.
I know my parents had something to do with the way I am. I don’t think my parents had anything to do with my hunger for success since I am the most educated person in my immediate family. I do have older siblings and younger ones, and none of them are closer to success then I am. My childhood wasn’t great at all, to tell you the truth I have anger towards my parents. I really can’t remember a lot about my childhood, which I am sure it is a good thing since I know that the brain suppresses bad memories. I can remember laying in bed, and the sound of my mom walking around and looking through the closet would wake me up. I wouldn’t get up since it meant that I had to hear her complain and yell, and as usually she would direct that anger towards me. I would lay in my bed quietly until I heard the door shut behind her, that was the happiest sound I can remember. There was another incident that I can remember. This one was about my father. My father and I aren’t really close, I don’t really talk to him as I should. I don’t feel comfortable telling him anything about me. My parents usually ask, “how is school going and when are you going to graduate.” As usual I tell them what they want to hear to avoid explaining anything to them. But I do know, why they ask me when am I going to graduate, I know they asking me because they know that I will make more money and that way I can help them. Little do they know that when I sit and listen to people, I don’t just listen to what they are telling me, I listen to what they aren’t telling me, and why they are telling me. I usually can convey a pattern, depending how often they ask me a certain question. But anyways going back to my father, well I remember him sitting me down on the table one time as if he was going to give me a lecture, I don’t remember the single incident when I lost my dad’s respect, maybe it was this one. Well he sat me down and told me straight up, he said, son I really don’t expect nothing from you, not in those exact words, he said that he didn’t see me making anything of my life. He was basically calling me a failure. I don’t know about this but that doesn’t sound what a parent should tell his high school teenager. I can’t recall what I really felt inside, but as usually I kept it inside, I didn’t break down. I remember me laughing at him and telling him we’ll see. I don’t want to even think that, that incident there gave me all of my motivation since that will give my dad a lot of the credit for my success.
This is probably why I am really not close with my parents to tell you the truth I think my mom thinks I am still a virgin. I remember she would ask me about my girlfriends, and I never mentioned them to them. I never said anything. I just lied and told them that I didn’t have one just to avoid the situation…I definitely feel better, I think now I can sleep. Well it’s about 3:40 I have a whole day of studying tomorrow. I better get to bed.
written by Mr. Vasquez at 2:37 a. m.
2 Comments:
There are two things I could never solve: 1) Family; 2) Romance.
Over the years I've struggled to find peace in dealing with the two. The only answer I could come up with is that these people are just the way they are. Sometimes things change, sometimes they remain the same, and sometimes they turn worse.
It's so hard to maintain your sense of dignity and confidence when family member and loved ones tell you otherwise.
Courage and continue pursuing your goal.
I think you hit it right on the money with that one...I can put myself through hardships, such as school etc... and the outcome depends on me, Where'as Family and Relationships I can't control...can't solve this one, I give...
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